Dreams

What dreams are made of? Pardon me with Hilary duff's song but it's not related to what I'm about to tell at all. Today's entry is pretty much about someone who isn't important to me in this life but I have no clues on why there will be the days where I'll dream about him out of the blue. It has been years if I'm not mistaken, I've stopped waiting for him to actually see how much love I have for him. Cringe I know but tell me, who in this world can ever control their feelings. 

I started to develop feelings on him when I was 16. Originally, we were classmates, then changed to friends before I started to have these huge tiresome crush feelings. At first, I thought the feelings would last for a few months. But hell it lasted for years. Even though, I was intentionally hurt countless times by him. I guess my small heart is pretty daring. The feelings I had for him are damn obvious but that is my intention when I had a crush on people. I would be dropping lots of hints to them. But I refused to go up to them and confess. I'd rather do that online instead of offline. Because I hate rejection. It's pretty normal for an unpretty girl like me. 

Liking him, I realized how much I downgraded myself the whole years. I never liked myself because the people he had his eyes on was incomparable to me. During the moments I started to like him, I was dealing with my own problem. So, the school was the only place I could ever have the best moment but with liking him, my high school years were excruciating. I had to deal with my family problems and at the same time, I had to deal with my feelings for him. At least I had great joy when I was a friend to him. He was a nice friend, it was me who always had the hardest pills to swallow. It was always me who got in his ways. It was always me who troubled. I guess that was the reason why he never opened his heart to me. because he was deadly pressured by me. Fast forward to a few years, I finished my diploma. had the best life during my study and I thought I forgot about him wholly. but I was wrong. 

We started to get on the right track, he actually opened up about his life to me all of sudden. I was contented but it didn't last long because as I said, I was always the problematic one. I turned his trust into a nightmare. I thought i did great but the truth is, I did awfully to him. That was the biggest regrets I've ever had in being someone's friend. When he opened up to me, I was ready leaving all the feelings I had to him for years. Not having him as a special someone in my life is fine as long as I could someone he trusts. But it took a few months for things to completely changed and I was never right for him. As a friend or special person in his life. I put all the blames on him then I walked away. I escaped just because I don't want to acknowledge my faults. 

Years have gone by, I thought our stories ended years ago. But I guess it was only me who had to deal with the leftovers or maybe the mold that I created for him. There will be days or nights where I would dream about him. I'm not sure it was intended or not. I had to deal with my feelings right after I had those dreams. it was troublesome. You have to deal with those dreams even though you have finally get over him. I guess this is the price I had to pay for my wrongdoings from before. If it does, then I understand.

And to you, If you happen to stumble upon my post or read this. I seriously and wholeheartedly hope that you will be fine and happy with your life. I hope you will find someone deserving. You are a guy who fulls of love and I really hope the right girl will take better care of your feelings. I've said this years ago, you are different for all the guys I've known. If I have the chance to go back to the times where I wasted your trust, I would change it and stand by you no matter what. but I guess what happened has been written. whatever the future holds, I wish you will finally get the best life you've hoped for. You are a nice guy, I hope you know that.

And to those who happen to read this, he's the first guy who I actually fall in love with. He's not just another crush. But he was all in the pasts now. Rest assured everybody, it's not that I've not yet moved on. I am. it's just no matter how much I said I forget about him. my heart still remembers. I'm doing great and fine. maybe soon enough I'll meet someone who actually makes me feel like what I felt to him or maybe even better. till then, I wanna enjoy living my single life to the fullest.

With that all being said, I'll end my entry with a prayer that I pray to everyone who reads this post, if you finally meet the love of your life You will be together till ever and if not, be patient, the best one is yet to arrive but it will soon. xoxo

Nom de plume,

Intan