The only thing I want is a Home

Have you ever thought of running away from your home? The place that is supposed to be a place that you have in heart. Turns out to be a hell filled with hatred and endless arguments for me. I never feel proud of having a big family, well I used to but now not anymore. People don't know how much pain I was and I still am. They just see what I am from what I've shown. The pain, the hatred. It keeps flinging right back at my face. That is what Broken Home feels like. 

I am not sure until how long I have to live this way. But the only thing I am hoping for is to escape from this place and start anew somewhere else where people don't know who I am. If you read this, I bet there are thousands of bad thoughts you have for me. Trust me I don't give a flying fish to what you're judging me with. You are not in my place living my fucked up life. like I can ask to change family. like I can ask to change parents. I can't. 

having to bear the pain of listening to all the bullshits they said about each other. I had to watch how much they loathed each other. I had to experience fucked up things while growing up. I feel so sad about myself. While everyone was growing up having fun with friends, my thoughts were filled with killing people. Killing myself. But I made promises with myself. My parents' mistakes are not mine. I would never live like them. I'm not gonna repeat the same mistakes. Running away from marriage is the best decision I made. I'm not gonna be a slave to Love. People who get married are stupid and weak. I'm not gonna be that person. 

How can I live a normal life when my head still remembers all the things that happened. All the fights, all the sleepless nights, all the curses, things that scare me to death. People asked me to move on, but I can't. People said I over-exaggerated things, but seriously I'm so done. I just want to get away from this house away from all the people in this house. I want to be fucking alone. 

Calling me weak, I don't care anymore. Surviving is so hard when you only have yourself to depend on. You have no one that actually understands you. Someone that really there for you through your darkest nights. I was alone before and I am still alone now. 

Have you ever had a night where you shuddered to death because you knew what was going to happen? Have you ever had a night where crying was the only thing left to do?

Have you ever had to choose between the people you love and care about?

Have you ever been cursed for being a fragile kid who only hoped for closure?

Have you ever had a knife in hand crying hoping for someone to save you at 3am where no one was awake? and ended up crying because you realized that your life is fucked up so bad.

Have you ever had to go on a hunger strike just to get attention?

Have you ever had to give up studying and ruin your precious life? 

I had. because I was the person who started everything, I had to bear the consequences, I had to stay sane when my sanity was falling apart at the same time. The school was never beautiful. The home was never alive again. Every day I wake up asking myself "Can I be happy today?" 

I know Allah cares and loves me every single day. The only One that I have left with me is Him. Maybe the only reason why everything and every hope I have got destroyed because He wants me to focus more on Him. To love Him and Care for Him more. I'll try my best to rely on Him every time even if the only thing that I have is breathing well. Calling out to You every single time I have my bad days. I'll try my best to be a better version of myself and someone who deserves a spot in Your Heaven. 

Ease my heart so I stop crying for today. Today hurt so bad, I feel weak. I'm sorry I thought I was healing and getting better. But the pasts got the best of me. 

Nom de plume,

Intan